Over

We are over.
I turn the word over in my mouth
Like a sweet too hard and too sour to swallow.
Over.

I tell them it was mutual,
That we broke up over irreconcilable differences:
I loved you
And you didn’t love me.
It was the only difference that mattered.

We meet again
For closure and to talk things over
And it feels anything but over.

Because when you kiss me in the dark
Over and over
I cannot picture being in anyone else’s arms.

And when I roll over in the morning
My heart skips a beat

And then you say my name
And I am falling in love again

Over
And over
And over.

A Truth Told

You pulled me tighter in the dark,
Fingers tracing circles on my skin,
And I whispered the truth
Against your shirt
But I don’t think you heard.

I reached out my hand for yours
And you took it.
And right then I wouldn’t have cared
If I never got it back.
You know I’d give you anything.

All through the night I woke
And kissed your cheek and forehead
Softly
The way the rising sun kisses the sky.
And you thanked me every time.

So maybe it doesn’t matter
That you didn’t hear me when
I whispered the truth against your shirt.
That night we told it to one another
In many ways beyond words.

What Will You Say

I often wonder
What will happen if you leave me.
I wonder how much it will hurt
And how much time it will take
For the pain to stop.
I wonder if you’ll come back
Or if you’ll be a stranger
Ten years down the line.

But sometimes I wonder
About the girl after me.
The woman who will take my place
In your arms after I am gone
And the smell of my perfume
Has long left your sheets.

And I wonder what you will say to her.
Will you tell her about the girl before me
And how she broke your heart?
Will you tell her how you did the same to me?

Will she hear about the cookies I would bake
Or the songs I would sing for your ears only?
Will you tell her that I had beautiful eyes
And how often you saw them cry?

Will you mention how good it was with me
Hair-grabbing-lip-biting-can’t-get-enough?
Will she hear about how we’d lay together after,
My head on your chest, counting your heartbeats?

Will she feel sorry for me when you tell her
About my life and my loneliness?
Will she worry that the sympathy in your voice
Could almost be mistaken for love?

And most of all I wonder if you will tell her
Why despite all of this you couldn’t find it in you
To love a girl who didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve
But handed it to you on a silver platter.

I wonder a lot about the girl after me.
I wonder if you’ll call me your ex
When you wouldn’t call me your girlfriend.
I wonder if you’ll secretly think
I was more kind or more talented.
I wonder if she’ll give you whatever it was
That I couldn’t give.

And I wonder about you too.
I wonder if you’ll regret losing me.
I wonder if you’ll wish you’d stayed.
I wonder how long after
The smell of my perfume has left your sheets
Will it take for the memory of me
To leave your mind.

And if we meet again in ten years time,
I wonder what you will say.

Insufficient

I don’t know what to say
Or what to tell people.
Because what can be said?
I am in love with somebody
And he is not in love with me.

I gave him everything:
My words and my time,
My body and my soul.
And none of it was enough.

Do you know how that feels,
To give so much
And mean so little?

It breaks my heart.

I was so sure
That he loved me
That I never thought to ask.

He acted as though he did.

He called me his best friend,
The most important person in his life,
The highlight of every day.

But he does not, and may never, love me.

I haven’t given up
Because I have never loved like this,
And I have lost too much
In life already.

I am done losing.

So I try and I try.
And even though there’s a chance
That I’ll end up with a heart
Full of sawdust,
For now I’ll fill it with hope.

Writing about the Writer

I write about others so often
It is time I wrote about myself

I was born in winter
But I am warm
My soul was forged in flames
I am mostly neutral
But prone to passion
Beware of my fiery temper.

I loved to swim
But longed to fly
And escape the life that didn’t fit me
I envy the birds
Who can so easily leave
Beware of my flightiness.

I laugh often and loudly
But rarely have much joy
And laughter is necessary to drown my thoughts
I try to hide the darkness
With a smiling face
Beware of what’s beneath my mask.

I was never pretty
But now and then I am beautiful
And for once I can say that without apology
I have striking features
And a kind heart
Beware of my newfound confidence.

I enjoy solitude
But longed for love
And was never happier than when I had someone
I gave love everything
And asked for nothing in return
Beware of my broken heart.

I am a sum of contradictions

Disaster, perfection

A mess, a masterpiece

I am not just a broken toy

Or the ghost of a girl who never lived

I am real. I am me.
And one day I will be enough.

A Wish

I wish you could see
All the good that you possess

Because honestly,
I’m in awe of you

I never thought I was lucky
Until the night we met

But fortune has favoured me
In sending you

Clever and kind
Funny and intelligent

Handsome but humble
Passionate but gentle.

The sadness clouds your vision
It has clouded mine too

And when I see it in your eyes
I tell you of the good you possess

I tell you you’re the best
And it’s always the truth

You don’t believe me
You never do

You have so much
But I only have you.

Temporary

I am only temporary.
Fine in the short term
But be sure to discard me
When the time is right.

I am a stepping stone.
A halfway point
But remember,
I am not a final destination.

I am a plaster.
A dressing to cover a new wound
But try as I might
I cannot heal you completely.

Now that you know this,
You must know this too:

I am a person.
Skin and blood and bone.
I understand that I am temporary
But all of my pain is
Permanent.

Like the autumn leaves

I thought our summer
Would last a lifetime
But when autumn arrived
You decided I was
Temporary.
And I can understand
Why you would leave
Because why would anyone
Stay for me:
I am Unremarkable
Alone I am nothing
But you and I were something.
Soon
You will shed me
Like the trees shed
Their leaves
And leave me to rot
Whilst you continue
To grow.
I will be trampled
By passers by
And frozen by the cold
Lonely nights.
I am not selfish
I will never ask you to stay
I am too proud to beg
But I will change my colours
And fall for you again
Before I rot

Like the autumn leaves.

Broken Together

I had hoped to know by this stage
And I guess I do
Because you are happy to call me
Your best friend
But you are uncertain as to whether
You will ever love me
My heart has broken into more pieces
Than I can count
I would take any physical pain
Over this new agony.
I have poured you into my heart
Laced you into my life
Built my world around you
And when you go I will fall apart.
What good is loving someone
Who won’t love you back?
What good is needing someone
Who could leave at any moment?

I can’t imagine a day without you
And I can’t be alone again.

Good Enough

They made me believe that
I was wrong from the start
That I was never bright enough
Athletic enough
Or good enough
To be theirs.

Their love had too many conditions
“You must do this and be that”
And everything was a question.
Why couldn’t I be different?
Why couldn’t I be better?

So I wasted my youth
Questioning myself and trying to meet
Unattainably high standards,
Whilst the anxiety and sadness and anger
Grew inside me and fused in my bones.

I became sick
And they had the nerve to tell me
My illness wasn’t real,
Because they couldn’t see it.
They never bothered to look.

When people tell my parents
How well I turned out,
Fury rises inside me.
I did not become good because of them,
I became good despite them.

And I have talents and passions
And morals and opinions of my own
They are mine and mine alone
And I have a future too
One that won’t include them

Because now I am old enough to know
That I was never the problem,
And pleasing them was not the solution.