Over

We are over.
I turn the word over in my mouth
Like a sweet too hard and too sour to swallow.
Over.

I tell them it was mutual,
That we broke up over irreconcilable differences:
I loved you
And you didn’t love me.
It was the only difference that mattered.

We meet again
For closure and to talk things over
And it feels anything but over.

Because when you kiss me in the dark
Over and over
I cannot picture being in anyone else’s arms.

And when I roll over in the morning
My heart skips a beat

And then you say my name
And I am falling in love again

Over
And over
And over.

What Will You Say

I often wonder
What will happen if you leave me.
I wonder how much it will hurt
And how much time it will take
For the pain to stop.
I wonder if you’ll come back
Or if you’ll be a stranger
Ten years down the line.

But sometimes I wonder
About the girl after me.
The woman who will take my place
In your arms after I am gone
And the smell of my perfume
Has long left your sheets.

And I wonder what you will say to her.
Will you tell her about the girl before me
And how she broke your heart?
Will you tell her how you did the same to me?

Will she hear about the cookies I would bake
Or the songs I would sing for your ears only?
Will you tell her that I had beautiful eyes
And how often you saw them cry?

Will you mention how good it was with me
Hair-grabbing-lip-biting-can’t-get-enough?
Will she hear about how we’d lay together after,
My head on your chest, counting your heartbeats?

Will she feel sorry for me when you tell her
About my life and my loneliness?
Will she worry that the sympathy in your voice
Could almost be mistaken for love?

And most of all I wonder if you will tell her
Why despite all of this you couldn’t find it in you
To love a girl who didn’t wear her heart on her sleeve
But handed it to you on a silver platter.

I wonder a lot about the girl after me.
I wonder if you’ll call me your ex
When you wouldn’t call me your girlfriend.
I wonder if you’ll secretly think
I was more kind or more talented.
I wonder if she’ll give you whatever it was
That I couldn’t give.

And I wonder about you too.
I wonder if you’ll regret losing me.
I wonder if you’ll wish you’d stayed.
I wonder how long after
The smell of my perfume has left your sheets
Will it take for the memory of me
To leave your mind.

And if we meet again in ten years time,
I wonder what you will say.

Temporary

I am only temporary.
Fine in the short term
But be sure to discard me
When the time is right.

I am a stepping stone.
A halfway point
But remember,
I am not a final destination.

I am a plaster.
A dressing to cover a new wound
But try as I might
I cannot heal you completely.

Now that you know this,
You must know this too:

I am a person.
Skin and blood and bone.
I understand that I am temporary
But all of my pain is
Permanent.

Broken Together

I had hoped to know by this stage
And I guess I do
Because you are happy to call me
Your best friend
But you are uncertain as to whether
You will ever love me
My heart has broken into more pieces
Than I can count
I would take any physical pain
Over this new agony.
I have poured you into my heart
Laced you into my life
Built my world around you
And when you go I will fall apart.
What good is loving someone
Who won’t love you back?
What good is needing someone
Who could leave at any moment?

I can’t imagine a day without you
And I can’t be alone again.

Good Enough

They made me believe that
I was wrong from the start
That I was never bright enough
Athletic enough
Or good enough
To be theirs.

Their love had too many conditions
“You must do this and be that”
And everything was a question.
Why couldn’t I be different?
Why couldn’t I be better?

So I wasted my youth
Questioning myself and trying to meet
Unattainably high standards,
Whilst the anxiety and sadness and anger
Grew inside me and fused in my bones.

I became sick
And they had the nerve to tell me
My illness wasn’t real,
Because they couldn’t see it.
They never bothered to look.

When people tell my parents
How well I turned out,
Fury rises inside me.
I did not become good because of them,
I became good despite them.

And I have talents and passions
And morals and opinions of my own
They are mine and mine alone
And I have a future too
One that won’t include them

Because now I am old enough to know
That I was never the problem,
And pleasing them was not the solution.

Inspired by Despair

I have often feigned triumph
At the fact that I’ve survived,
The fact that I’m still breathing,
The fact that I’m alive.

But every day’s a struggle,
And each day brings more fear.
How long can I go on this way?
How much time have I left here?

I have cried out in the darkness
And willed my heart to stop,
Begged for eternal sleep
And then sobbed when I woke up.

I have stood upon the precipice
That separates life from death.
I did not have the courage to jump
But went as close as I could get.

It may be tough to hear this;
A young woman so distressed.
But life was not a gift for me,
I was always cursed, not blessed.

Of course there have been good times
And I hold those memories dear,
But they can only do so much
When the dark days reappear.

I know I’m not alone in this,
These feelings of despair,
For I am only one lost soul
Among the many more out there.

I do not look for sympathy
I just want to help you see
That those of us who struggle through life
Try very hard indeed.

I do not see a future,
So I live life day to day.
But I’m here for now, dear reader,
And for now, that’s just okay.

Rock Bottom

My lowest moment
And all I could do was cry.

The isolation was too much to bear
Alone
Always alone.

Wallowing in self pity
I did not hide myself away
Or try to conceal my despair

Just sat immobile 
On a mushroom coloured sofa
With tears pouring down my face.

I was conscious of the stares,

But it didn’t matter.

None of it mattered, not any more.
My parents might have been concerned
Though they didn’t show it.

Their robot child was leaking,
Malfunctioning.
Perhaps they should repair her.
Perhaps they should let her rust in peace.